Inpatient Visit [trigger warning]

I am so glad I got to visit my best friend in the hospital today, who is inpatient for bulimia . She was in good spirits. The facility was very nice. But she was on a feeding tube and that was really hard for me to see for so many reasons.

My friend was afraid before going into the hospital about weighing more than the other girls on the unit. And today she was talking about that still. And she said she didn’t think she was as sick as the other girls. I can relate to this, sadly. In my past experience with hospitalization, and even now. Though I am doing very well I still deal with ED thoughts every day. And I don’t look anything like the average mental picture of someone with an eating disorder.

She’s hooked up to a feeding tube! She needs to be there as much as everyone else and I told her this. And she is afraid people are judging her for being hooked to the feeding tube. It has nothing to do with compliance. She simply cannot keep enough food down to stay properly nourished.

She did mention briefly some of the girls on the unit were saying nasty things about a larger patient. Someone who has apparently struggled for twenty years or more. And if I was on the unit, I would’ve been kicking their asses. Even if I was hooked up to to the tube.

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Hopefully I will be going to see her again Sunday night.

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Weight loss

Whenever someone does something really drastic to lose weight, I’m always thinking, they know they have to do that for the rest of their life now, right?

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Body love

When I feel good about my face or hair , I post selfies on facebook/Instagram/tumblr. When I feel good about my body I will post selfies here.

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Return to the blogosphere

I have graduated from college, recently been hospitalized for depression and anxiety, and agreed to help my friend start her own blog.

All of theses events have contributed to my return to the blogosphere

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Lazy Confessions

I shouldn’t be allowed to have fun on the weekends. Nothing gets done.

People who talk excessively can be an anxiety trigger for me. But I talk excessively.

 
I do not want to feel depressed OR anxious. But being depressed was easier. Because I just didn’t care.
 
I hate this dizziness. When not eating made me dizzy it meant the diziness came from control. Now i eat and I don’t know why I’m dizzy.
 
It could be anxiety. Stress. Medication. Or the fact I use oversleeping as a coping mechanism. And it means I dont have even that illusion of control.
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Quote of the Day

“Selfie culture” means young women being in control of how they are portrayed. Of course it’s mocked and criticized.” – www.tealeafprincess.tumblr.com

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Things to Do Instead of Purge

I haven’t purged in months. But my urges have been strong lately. So it’s best to be prepared.

*EDIT: I purged last night for the first time in 3-4 months. But I’m going to work through it.*

  • Exercise/go for a walk.
  • Sing
  • Read
  • Take a nap
  • Roll paper beads.
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