Triggers are a part of my curriculumn…

Possible triggers: Some negative-self talk. Vague mentions of ED behavior.

The fitness class I’m taking this semester requires me to keep a food and calorie log 3 days a week. Every week. For the whole semester. I know it’s better than having to keep one every day, but this is still difficult for me. I might as well turn in a sheet of paper that says, “I’m a fat ass with no self-control .” This is the third class I’ve taken with this instructor. This course is called Cardio Aerobic Strength Training. The first one (Fitness) had the same calorie counting assignment.

Even though I had been almost (but not quite) purge-free since high school the logs I kept in the previous class triggered some additional binge-purge episodes. In the past, I probably would have explained and asked for an alternate assignment. But I couldn’t do it now, with how much I weigh and the fact that I’d been virtually symptom free for three years.  There’s no way she would take me seriously. But I did say something pretty close to the truth in the anonymous class evaluation for the first class.

I’ve completed two of my food logs for the week. So far, there’s been no purging.

My last slip was over winter break, due to the triggers of living at home with my family.

I had a slip or two last semester. One was the evening before a voice lesson, and I suffered for it the next day. It was probably the worse lesson I ever had, and I vowed not to fall back into the cycle, if only for my vocal cords. But obviously, there are many, many other reasons I can’t afford to return to bulimia.

We’ll get into those later.

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One Response to Triggers are a part of my curriculumn…

  1. Lulu says:

    You should have told the fitness teacher that keeping this log was triggering. Being almost symptom free doesn’t mean that you don’t struggle every day for your health and well-being. Nobody has the right to underestimate your current issues and the battle you’ve been fighting.

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