Trigger Warning: Mentions of negative self talk and some eating disordered thoughts.
I skipped my Aerobics class twice now because I didn’t want to feel triggered- as I have in recent sessions. If I miss any more days, it will hurt my grade. I’ve decided to drop the course. I’m enrolled in 18 credits right now. I have already taken more electives than I need. And the class is right in the middle of my day, so I always go to Anthropology sweaty and smelling bad. On Mondays, I have three academic classes in addition to aerobics. On Tuesdays, I have two academic classes, aerobics, and choir. These days are packed pretty tightly. I was hoping a fitness class would help manage stress, but instead it’s making me feel worse about myself. This doesn’t happen when I exercise alone, and I could easily resume my workouts, solo, on any combination of Tuesday and Thursday-Sunday.
In order to drop, I need to bother my advisor in the behavioral science department.
And I need the signature of my fitness instructor. And a part of my brain is screaming, “she’s going to think it’s because you’re lazy and fat!”
Well, I am fat. We’re stating facts here. But I’ve also enrolled in four of her previous courses. And stuck to them. So the lazy part is in my head. When you think about it, I’m criticizing myself for wanting to a drop class that causes me to be overly critical of myself. I can’t win.
I can’t really put my finger on why the class triggers me so much. My previous fitness classes on campus didn’t make me feel this way. Sure, the calorie logs I have to keep are a nuisance. But during the actual fitness activities I find myself comparing myself to the other girls and women, and I’m instantly depressed, berating myself the entire lap around the gym. And this is counterproductive, as it will cause me to shove even more food down my throat. At times it has lead me to ponder, “Should I purge dinner or skip it all together?”
I’m going to double check with my advisor that it’s absolutely, compulsory, for me to get the instructor signature.